Antebellum
by Callagan
Summary: What have I gotten myself into? That cup claimed I'd know what is going on, but I don't have a clue! This was not in the game! OC


…

…

...Ouch.

This is very painful.

I can feel the white lances of heat shoot through my body.

God damn, why did I have to be so fucking dumb?

I've seen all the right shows, I've read all the right books, I've been on the right sites to know that touching a glowing portal is NOT a smart idea.

Matter of fact, I've made up five steps every person should do when faced with a glowing portal.

1. Pinch yourself.

2. Walk away from portal.

3. Hide behind a large object. Walls are preferred, but beds and doors work as well.

4. Throw a small object at the portal and see for reaction.

5. **Under no circumstances** do you touch the portal.

What do you know, I skipped through all of the steps and passed by all the warnings. So, what's my punishment?

This shit.

What a weird way to cope with pain. I don't grind my teeth or scream. Instead, I come up with lists about how I'm a fucking idiot.

Whatever. That doesn't matter. What does matter is when this pain will end so I can figure out where the fuck I am.

Let's list off all the questions I have.

1. What the fuck happened?

2. Why am I in so much pain?

3. Where the fuck am I?

4. ...Why can't I feel my clothes?

The pain has worn off enough that I can feel a distinct lack of fabric touching my skin. Still not enough for me to open my eyes, but I feel very bare. No boxers, no T-shirt, no jeans, no socks, and no shoes weighing down my feet.

So, what the fuck. I'm naked, confused, and feeling like someone decided to flatten me with a giant rolling pin. God damn.

Okay, the pain is finally starting to wear off enough for me to open my eyes.

...It's dark.

Okay, I lie. There's a beam of light shooting through the open ceiling. Looks like a full moon.

The ground below me is paved with dark blue stones. Looks like they're bricks. They're also icy cold.

I can see around me now. There are five... Wait, seven statues surrounding me. They look to have name plates on them, but the pain still blurs my vision. The walls also look like the same stones as the ground. Creativity was apparently not this room's creator's strength.

The open ceiling lets me see the clear sky with the visage of the man on the moon looking at me. The stars twinkle in the dark curtain of the night sky.

Moving my head has caused my pain to flare up slightly. I clench my eyes shut for a second.

After a few seconds, I open them again. In front of me, between a statue of a man with a bow and an armored man, is a corridor.

I attempt to force myself up. Attempt being the main word there. Pain once again courses through my body, forcing me back onto the cold ground.

God, if you're out there, I'm sorry for not believing in you. Really.

So, as your recently converted believer, can you do **something** about this pain?

… I'll take that lack of action as a no.

Bastard has it out for me.

I force myself to stand up again. Thankfully, the pain is significantly less this time and a lot more manageable.

As I look around, I am finally able to see the statues clearly. There's an armored man, bowman, man with a pike, woman in a robe, a brutish creature, a hooded man, and a man on a horse .

There are name plates, but they're in Greek or something. Fuck trying to read it..

Whatever, I'll deal with that later. For the mean while, let's see if I can figure out where I am.

Going through that corridor from before seems like a good start. Hopefully it doesn't drop me into a spike pit or something.

Well, at least I survived walking through it. The room is still filled with those stones. But now there's a pedestal in the middle of the room with a golden cup lying on it.

Oh, and the statues are back, too.

Creepy.

But that's beside the point. There are no other corridors here. All that's here in the roof, which looks like climbing up there would be like trying to build a ladder to the moon.

Maybe that cup is the key out of here.

Wait a second.

This looks like that scene from the first Indiana Jones movie.

Fuck.

My only chance out of here could be something that could kill me.

Life just can't be fair, can it.

Well, might as well try and figure out. Worst case... I get shot by arrows. Best case, it's a switch and opens a door for me.

I reach out and grasp the cup in my right hand.

"_Took you long enough, boy. I was beginning to get impatient."_

I drop the cup and jump away from the stand. I look around. There's no one there. I could've sworn I heard a feminine voice just a second ago.

"_You fool. Just running away will not stop the link."_

Wait... It's the cup talking to me?

Okay, the hell is going on?

"_Well? Are you going to talk or just stand there with that stupid look on your face? I can not read your thoughts, only project mine."_

...Fuck it. Nothing else here has made any sense. Why should this?

"So, are you willing to tell me what the fuck is going on?"

"_Your language is too crude, boy. Tone it down a bit."_

Oh hey, the cup's got an attitude. Lovely.

"No. Fuck you. Tell me what the hell is going on."

"_I will not respond to such rude language, child. Either use more cultured language or I will force you to."_

Force me to?

Yeah, right. Like a fucking cup is going to force me to speak how it wants.

"Fuck you. Are you going to answer my question or not, bitch?"

A faint sigh can be heard.

"_It appears I have been too lenient with you. Perhaps I should treat you like the child you really are."_

With those words, the cup starts glowing white. The fuck?

"Okay, the fu-"

I can't get that out before I drop to the ground in extreme pain.

"_If you cannot behave on your own, I will simply have to punish you for your transgressions."_

…

…

… Oh the pain.

… It fucking hurts.

… I can't think straight through this pain.

God damn. That was fucking stupid of me. That's right, try to piss off the talking magic cup. Nice move.

Well, at least I can push myself back up now.

"_Are you going to behave now, boy? Or will I have to use that again?"_

The first thing on my mind is "no, mom", but somehow I don't think that'd go over well.

"If you don't do that again, I'll clean up my language."

"_Excellent! It appears that even barbaric brutes can be cultured!"_

Nice to know that I'm barbaric _and _a brute. Maybe that means I actually have muscle.

...Nope, still a scrawny little fuck.

A nude scrawny fuck.

Which reminds me.

"... Where are my clothes?"

"_A good question. Unfortunately, I do not have the answer."_

Perfect. So my fucking clothes are gone and the magical cup doesn't know where it put them. Fantastic. I hope the chick was hot at least. If there was one... or did I have sex with the cup? Or a statue? No, I'm stopping those trains of thought before I puke.

"So, I'm just going to stand here naked?"

"_Of course not. Open up the pedestal and use the robe there."_

A fucking robe?

Well, I guess it's better than nothing.

I look at the side of the pedestal. Sure enough, there is a drawer there. Inside there is a plain white robe. I slip into it and turn around to face the cup again.

"Great. So what do I do now?"

"_Patience is a virtue you appear to have little of, child. Wait and I will answer your questions in due time."_

Fucking cup treats me like a toddler.

"No. I want to know where am I, why I am here, and I want to know why _now!_"

"_You can not always get what you want, boy."_

That's it.

I'm fucking pissed.

This thing is dancing around my questions like a god damn politician.

"Yes, but when I want are simple answers to simple questions, I feel obligated to get them."

"_Fine then. You are right now on the edge of the boundaries of the universes. This is one of the pocket realities that I control."_

… While I appreciate finally having an answer, that just served to confuse me even further.

"Universes? Pocket realities? What?"

That sigh again.

"_Really, child, and here I thought you could understand these ideas already without my having to spell them out for you."_

Well, I can. For the most part. But I do need to get one thing before it'll all fall into place.

"Are there multiple universes?"

"_Of course, boy."_

And with that, it all makes sense.

Boundaries of the universes are beyond the realms of any universe. I can assume that pocket realities are smaller universes within this region of space between the larger ones.

It does make me wonder why it doesn't look like an M. C. Escher painting.

"So, why doesn't it look like a fun house mirror?"

"_Not all other universes look very different from yours. Most are highly similar, in fact."_

"So, why are we in another universe?"

"_To easily facilitate your transfer from your universe to the one I will be placing you in."_

…

… Wait.

I'm moving to another universe?

I read the fine print and it didn't say anything about this.

The fact that I never saw the contract doesn't help, either.

Fucking perfect.

"Woah there, why am I going to another universe?"

"_I need you there to accomplish a task for me. One of great importance to the multiverse as a whole."_

… Yeah, I really should have taken a look at that contract before I signed it.

"So, all I need to do is save the world?"

"_You always put it in such a crude manner, boy. No, you will simply be assisting me in maintaining balance amongst the universes by returning the power my shadow took from me."_

Shadow?

The fuck is this about a shadow?

And why should I be helping you do this?

The hell's in it for me?

… And what kind of task could be so difficult as that a magical cup can't do it?

Which makes me wonder what exactly the cup is called.

"So, cup, what are you called?"

Then the pain slams into me like an eighteen wheeler.

The hell did I do to piss it off this time?

"_Do not __**ever**__ call me a cup again, child, or I will make your death very painful. I am a goblet, and it is best if you remember that."_

Great. The fucking cup is sensitive about being called a cup.

"You still haven't told me what you're called."

"_All in good time, child."_

Great. It's toying around with me. Again.

Let's see if I have any more luck with the last topic of discussion.

"Why should I help you out?"

"_For the honor of assisting me in keeping balance across the universe."_

Yes, because I'm going to risk my life for the _great_ honor of helping out a magical cup. I'm sorry, goblet.

Don't think so.

"No. Give me a better reward than that."

"_There is no better reward than assisting me."_

"Yes there is. Like, I don't know, something of _value_."

"_Fine, I guess you are still too barbaric to understand honor. I will grant you a single wish once you have accomplished your task. Absolutely any wish at all."_

So, suicidal task or any wish I want?

…

… What the hell. Might as well.

"Alright, what am I expected to do? I mean, do I have to find your shadow first?"

"_Do not worry, I am sure that you will know where to find my shadow once you arrive."_

Well that's comforting.

"_You will recognize a fair majority of things that happen. It is a novel I am sure you have read."_

A book? Am I going to be entering a classic or something? Harry Potter? … Twilight?

Suicide by head to brick wall sounds less painful.

In that case, I wonder which one it is.

"So, are you going to tell me which one?"

"_Of course. I believe you call it Fate/Stay Night."_

Hey, that's not a book.

Wait, the cup said novel, so I guess...

And with that, I freeze.

I should have figured that out at the beginning, with all the statues that look like Servants.

Which means...

Holy fucking hell.

I back away from the pedestal.

That's the fucking Holy Grail.

I'm surprised I'm still alive.

It could kill me in an instant.

"_I see you have mistaken me for my shadow. I am not a tainted weapon of destruction, unlike that foul object."_

Oh yeah, like I'm going to trust a fucking cup that's been beating me up and trying to make me its servant.

… Then again, I'm not dead, so it might not be _all_ bad.

…

…

… Hold on a second.

That means I'm expected to destroy the Holy Grail from the game.

… Yeah, I think we have some discussing to do.

"So, you're expecting me to destroy something that can wipe out cities without blinking?"

"_Of course. I only choose the best servants."_

Well, at least it has faith in me.

Misplaced faith, but faith none the less.

"_Of course, you will not be fighting it as you are now. That would be suicidal and monumentally stupid. You will have powers able to match even the most powerful Servants."_

"Which would be?"

"_You will see."_

Another carrot dangling in front of my face and another time I don't get a single damn answer.

Fuck this cup.

"So, you're going to give me an ability that will let me fight on even ground with Gilgamesh?"

"_If you use it correctly, you can be more powerful than my shadow. But it is dependent on its user. You in this case."_

"Isn't that too cliché? I mean, everyone seems to use that same exact line. What makes this so different?"

"_This power is very special compared to the others."_

"You're not helping your case at all."

A harsh sigh this time.

"_Just be quiet. You're annoying me now."_

I shut up quickly. I remember the last time I decided not to listen to the goblet's gentle advice.

"_I will be setting some rules. You will no longer respond to any other name then Samael."_

Wait, why?

"Why should I only respond to that name?"

"_Because your original name is too boring for one of my servants."_

Great. So I'm just an object of amusement. Well, I'm not going to go quietly into the night.

"No. You will call me Joe and you will like it."

"_I'm afraid you're quite deluded, Samael."_

"Joe."

"_Samael."_

"I'm serious. It's Joe or bust."

"_..."_

"Do I take that as a yes?"

"_A compromise. You will be called Michael."_

Works for me. After all, I didn't really want to be called Joe.

"Cool."

"_Second. Do not mess around with reality so much as so that the Grail never gets summoned. You need it to be in a material form in order to destroy it."_

Cool. I can follow that logic. Don't not summon the thing you're supposed to destroy.

"_Third. Never attempt to call me outside of an emergency. M y power is severely drained by my shadow's existence."_

… Hold up.

Back the fuck up.

"You mean you aren't coming with me?"

"_Of course not. That's why you're being sent to do the task."_

I thought it'd, you know, help me out.

"So, you're avoiding the tainted Grail?"

"_Yes. I was barely able to escape its grip to get away to this pocket universe. Going back there could mean I never come back."_

Fuck me sideways. The magic cup can't save my ass if I get in a fix.

"Pussy."

Oops. There's the pain again.

Still hurts.

A lot.

Anyway, after a few seconds, I can get back up. I can still feel the soreness from the last pain wave.

I hope I'm not going to end up dying at thirty because of all this.

"_Finally, a couple bits of advice. According to your mind, the path that the future should go down is called the Fate path."_

At least it's not Heaven's Feel. I think I had fallen asleep from all the cooking.

"_Lastly, beware of the first being I sent down there. He failed in his mission and was absorbed by the taint. As such, he is very dangerous."_

…

So, this cup already fucked up once.

And I'm option #2.

Suddenly, I don't feel so good about this.

"_Any other questions should be answered when you reach the universe. Good luck, my champion."_

With those words, the room begins to disappear.

Before I black out, I can hear the cup say one thing.

"_Oh, and one last thing. Don't press the red button."_

God damn, what did I get myself into?

_o0o0o0o0o0o_

_Hm... I can sense that my lesser essence is sending out its second champion to attempt and face me. How amusing that it still believes it has a chance against my power. Oh well, the champion will be dealt with, same as the first. Then again, I have been surprised before. Maybe, just maybe, you will be able to do it again this time. I will see what you have come up..._

o0o0o0o0o0o

_Oh god, it's been a year or something since I last looked at this file. What the hell was I thinking? Whatever. A few modifications were made to this. Hopefully this will set up an easier next chapter._

_See you next time. Whenever that happens._


End file.
